It shouldn’t be stressful. It shouldn’t be emotionally taxing or challenging. This is a simple decision. Do I want the Darth Vader baseball cap, or the Disney Villains baseball cap? In the middle of Disney Land, my first visit to California, this choice should not take more than ten minutes out of my sight-seeing, attraction-exploring, rollercoaster-rocking time. Which one do I want more? Bing, bang, boom, done. Right? Nope.
The reason I have so much vacation money left over from every vacation I’ve ever been on is not the fact that I’m fantastic at handling and managing money. The reason is that I cannot make the simplest of decisions without ridiculously deep analysis and debate, and when I run out of time or find the choice to be too close, I choose to take the worst possible route and…end up leaving with neither. Because, apparently, I am a moron. It would be nice to be able to say that there’s some kind of reasoning behind that decision, but there’s not. I’ve always been more afraid of regretting a wrong decisions than of passing something up, a fear that I’m aware is trivial and dumb, but that I haven’t put much effort into facing in past years.
However. This year was a bit different. Everything caught up to me freshman year of high school. My inability to make concrete decisions in a reasonable timeframe led to homework getting done at three or four in the morning, to work that I wasn’t proud of getting turned in, to opportunities to be a part of groups and experiences getting missed. I grew more distant from close friends because I refrained from jumping into activities head-first, because I neglected o be a part of what they did without me. My problem almost resulted in my non acceptance into the Chronicle staff, what I consider to be my most promising achievement of the school year. Very, very long story short, the understanding of my position came around and slapped me in the face this year. The understanding that my success wasn’t going to come around the corner and embrace me because I played it safe. And, truthfully, I’m glad it did. I’m delighted that it happened in my freshman year, especially, so that I have the rest of my high school career to improve, and to shape something I’m going to look back on with pride. Or, at very least, without the regret that I didn’t take advantage of the opportunities I had before I lost them. That type of experience isn’t made by sitting back and watching the world take it’s own shape, because you’re too paranoid to interfere. It’s made by working hands-on and taking chances, by grabbing hold of the clay and molding your world into your creation, if only for the simple pleasure of not having to say “I wish I had” hours, days, weeks into the future. Not when it comes to school clubs, not friendships, and definitely not vacations to famous landmarks.
I went with the Villains cap. It’s purple. I love it.
“Work begins when the fear of doing nothing at all finally trumps the fear of doing it badly.” ~Alain de Botton